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If you haven't rolled your eyes yet today at the gnashing of teeth over who wore what daft dress, who said what daft thing and who sobbed on stage at the Oscars then please, take a moment.

The self-obsessed liberals who gather annually to celebrate their art by injecting botox into their armpits and practicing their 'I'm SO glad he won' faces are just kidding themselves they're making the world a better place for anyone other than their accountants and facial refurbishers.

Most of us choose not to care. But there are some people who care a little too much - the ultra-Conservative, Braxcist, Trump-twiddling minority who currently feel their new world order is nigh.

Toby Young has complained white, heterosexual males don't win enough pretty gold statues. Donald Trump actually REFUSED to tweet. Angry social media warriors just got angrier about snowflake celebrities daring to have political opinions.

But if these people were in charge of the Oscars, what would it be like? Would it be humble, would it be apolitical, would a straight white man finally catch a break?

Or would it be like this:

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"The number of hot birds in this blitz are freaking me nut out. I mean I love my wife with all me heart but if there's anyone wants to send me a picture of their norks I'd be well chuffed. Not you, Meryl. I mean you got a boat on yer but you're a bit of a boiler now. Emma Stone, she can. Anyway I'm not allowed to be political so I'd am contractually obliged to say, hail to the Trump, Gawd save the Queen and chim-chiminee, chim-chim-cheroo. WHAT SLAG PUT MY MY DMs UP ON THAT SCREEN?"

You know, Jimmy Kimmel and Danny have never been seen in the same room. Coincidence?

Oscars 2017 : Worst Dressed Celebs On The Red Carpet

Instead of the usual pushing and shoving to get their hands on the best frocks from the likes of Lagerfeld, Versace and Christian Dior, there would be a mandatory dress code of wearing dresses only from Ivanka Trump's failed department store line.

Which means everyone would look like they'd just got married in Vegas at 3am.

They're more alt-right than they realise - calling any criticism 'fake news', blaming everyone but themselves and changing their minds every five minutes while insisting they're winners. So of course Labour would be deputised to replace the Academy.

Seeing as John McDonnell changed his mind in under a week about blaming a new Labour coup that isn't happening for his party's disastrous loss in Copeland, he should be able to take a Best Picture switcheroo in his stride.

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That's because the real Nicole was replaced with a robot when she did Stepford Wives and no-one noticed, even though her face hasn't moved since.

The alt-right love a pale-skinned wife who can't frown so you'd probably find under their rule there'd be more than one Nicole in the audience.

On the plus side, Tom Cruise would explode.

Come on, he's got form. Remember the entirely accidental Reichstag fire?

Beautiful white heterosexuals dancing because everything that happened 50 years ago is so much better than today - you just KNOW it would sweep the board.

And anyone who suggested that a low-budget movie about a black, drug-addicted, single parent had really won the popular vote would be taken outside onto Sunset Boulevard and shot by the Meryl Streep Is So Overrated Memorial Firing Squad.

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In chains and an orange jumpsuit, probably.

Either that or Presidential hairdresser.

Just because someone with a camera stayed in a Syrian suburb being pulverised daily by barrel bombs and Our New Best Friend Vladimir Putin and filmed volunteers saving 82,000 lives while America completely failed to help doesn't mean they'd get an award and the chance to read a verse of the Koran on international television.

Because Muslim.

So Dapper Laughs would get it instead.

Which is all a perfectly good reason why, when you hear Viola Davis wafting on about "exhuming" stories in the only industry on Earth to show "what it is to live a life" - I mean, toilet attendants anyone? - or watch the wrong envelope be turned into an incident of global disproportions, you should be glad.

Yes, Hollywood is mostly soft-palmed saps who can't handle criticism or a proper job, but then so are most of us. If art is supposed to reflect its audience's hopes, dreams and nightmares then the Oscars does just that.

They can be irritating but the best thing they've got going for them - and that we have in our own favour as well - is that the other guys would be MUCH worse.

With them your eyes wouldn't just roll. They'd be gouged out and used for marbles, and you know it.

Continue reading here:
What if the alt-right ran the Oscars? Things would be so much worse - Mirror.co.uk