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From tragedy to farce, the saga of Orenthal James Simpson continued last week with a parole hearing in Nevada.

It was pretty much a fait accompli that he would be paroled; Simpson had been in lockdown for close to a decade for busting into a hotel room, with firearms, to retrieve some of his memorabilia. The charges came down: armed robbery, kidnapping, conspiracy and so on, charges aided by Simpson's co-conspirators rolling on him like a wooden pin over biscuit dough.

Sentenced to an improbable 33 years, Simpson in fact will have served nine; we can leave it to numerologists and '90s rappers to figure out the symbolism there. But there was a tacit understanding that the book was thrown at Simpson in large part because he was able to skate on earlier charges of murdering his wife-violently-almost a quarter-century ago.

Happily for OJ Simpson and his family, the Juice will be loose in October. And happily for pundits, humorists and gossips, The Juice will be back in Florida, where presumably he will live out his days.

Because, of course. Because this is where lapsed celebrities end up. Because Florida is the phantom sixth act in a Shakespearean tragedy, the place where people go when the other places don't quite work out.

It wasn't like Simpson was going to move back to LA's Brentwood neighborhood, after all. He had two options: Florida or becoming a Las Vegas casino greeter. But-as the Juice said during his hearing with the parole board-"I don't think you want me in Nevada."

Simpson said that, of course, with a maniacal laugh reminiscent of a villain in a Batman Dark Knight movie. Which might have sounded weird to those jamokes in the other 49 states. But in Florida, we know what's up: Deranged cackles worthy of Jack Nicholson's Joker are just par for the course.

Simpson, alas, will not be in Jacksonville-or even Ponte Vedra, which everyone outside of the area and some folks in City Hall see as "in Jacksonville."

That's a shame, as there were points during his rambling, disjointed responses to parole board members' questions that made me think I was watching testimony from the Corrine Brown trial, or a simple City Council committee meeting.

So much for getting The Juice's input on budget. He would've had some interesting insights into Safer Neighborhoods.

No, Simpson will be farther south. And rest assured, the last few years of his life in the public eye will be sordid spectacle-bread and circuses for the rubes.

What kind of spectacle? Some predictions to file away:

Simpson is by no means the only notorious C-list celebrity living in this state who's skated on murder charges. Since he doesn't walk until October, this gives an enterprising TV producer time to explore the series pitch: a group house with others cut from the same cloth, such as neighborhood-watcher/kid-killer George Zimmerman, and rave kid/acquitted-toddler-murderer Casey Anthony.

Would you watch? You bet you would. All it takes is a Xanax for you and a Twitter hashtag, and you're sold on the collective experience. Call it Happy House or something else suitably ironic, stick it on a cable channel with no programming standards, launch it with some wacky promos and-Frank Viola!-ratings gold, Daddy.

Plots write themselves: The Simpson/Zimmerman/Anthony love triangle would be epic. You just know Gorgeous George would overplay his hand with Comely Casey and, even though he's 70 years old, Simpson would take advantage of the situation and launch a May/December tte--tte with Anthony. Just in time for sweeps!

From there, an interesting subplot could emerge. We already know that Casey Anthony is a #NeverTrump kind of lady-she showed up at a protest months back, which lent that movement some real moral authority. Simpson and the president once palled around, but that was back in the day.

In 2017 or '18, bet money that Simpson gets on Twitter and blasts the president-it's an easy, crowd-pleasing move, and he doesn't have to say anything profound. An "I can't believe Trump is trying to take away healthcare!!!! What is this world coming to??? I thought this was America @RealDonaldTrump" should do it.

At 135 characters, that Tweet is ready for use-just like the concept. (Note to producer-types: I will sue you into oblivion if you use these concepts, in any form, without giving me my cut.)

If neither of these concepts appeals, religion is a third option. Trinity Broadcasting Network is in-state. OJ's testimony on TV would be a great lead-in to the ultimate gig: greeter at the Holy Land Experience. Not quite a casino-but close enough!

Welcome home, OJ! It's your state-we're just living in it.

See the article here:
The JUICE is Loose... - Folio Weekly