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DEL STONE JR. @DelSnwfdn

Social skills for the modern age we all need to work on:

1. The queenly wave (the hand moves side to side from the wrist, the arm does not move as the muscle action is discreetly concealed by arm-length white satin gloves).

2. The recovery from the discovery of not being invited (suppress the widening of the eyes, the doleful down-register of the voice, that momentary ache in your gut when you realize you were not cool enough to be invited to a,b,c. ... whatever event/party/witch burning).

3. The silent belch (a hitch in the breath followed by a peristolic contraction of the diaphragm and the subtle release of Cheeto-scented breath).

4. Like envy (So-and-so likes everything whatitz posts but rarely likes anything you post and do you really care - OF COURSE you care, at least enough to start plotting vengeance).

5. Work on your selfie mug expression the eyes widened in surprise and the mouth an excited I found Waldo O, or the eyes half-lidded, a Marilyn Monroe smile as you peek over a pair of Ray Ban Aviators. Maybe you could pencil in a mole beneath your eye. You think?

6. Learn how to use Photoshops teeth-whitening feature. Either that or stop chewing tobacco.

7. The fear you will traumatize young children by posting photographs of yourself online. Get over it. You are beautiful, even if youre ugly. I know this.

8. Demand the first right of refusal. You dont really want to go to that school play, but you do want to be asked. See Item 2.

9. Work on your general knowledge. Of course you know everything there is to know about 13 Reasons Why, but do you know what year the Magna Carta was issued by Jay-Z?

10. Learn how to properly grip your mobile phone. NO, you do not pick it up with your thumb and forefinger as if it were a dead rat (it is very much alive, unless youve depleted your battery). Nor do you hold it with your fingers touching the screen leaving a crime scene smear of fingerprints. You should hold it with the back of the phone in the palm of your hand and the screen facing forward, as if it were your personal force field against the world. And this is most important: DO NOT PUT IT DOWN, EVER. Not even when youre in the bathroom. Have a bowl of rice handy for when you drop it in the commode.

11. Communicate the fact that you dont actually want to receive telephone calls. Sure, you own a mobile phone. But that doesnt mean you want people calling you. They can text, email, Instagram, Snapcrap or use any number of vacuous social media platforms to communicate with you short of calling, because you are a proud sociopath of the Digital Age and the words interpersonal communication are NOT in your lexicon.

12. Work on your righteous wrath. Everyone online is consumed by righteous wrath, whether theyre sincerely angry or not. You see, its all an act and you are expected to play along. You must be angry about various causes, which leads me to

14. Yes, I skipped 13. Thirteen is bad news. But not this: Pick your causes. Here are some correct causes: reforestation, fighting hunger, saving animals, late-night comedy. Here are some incorrect causes: National Socialism, anything fried, movie cigarettes, the knockout game.

15. Work on buying local. If you can find a T-shirt, or a car, thats made locally, be sure to let us know. Then go on social media and crow about it.

16. The road rage mobile phone fake-out. Somebody does something crazy in traffic. In the past you would have simply returned the favor, resulting in a multi-county high-speed chase ending in a roadside beating and possible structural damage to surrounding fences/road signs/store fronts. Theres an easier way. Hold up your phone, as if youre taking a photo of the offenders vehicle. Then pretend to dial 911 and talk to an imaginary dispatcher as youre gesturing at the offenders vehicle. Then, put down the phone and give an evil smile to the offender. They will drive away and leave you alone.

Contact online editor Del Stone Jr. at (850) 315-4433 or dstone@nwfdailynews.com. Follow him on twitter at @delsnwfdn, and friend him on Facebook at dels nwfdn.

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DEL STONE JR.: Social skills for the new millenium - The Northwest Florida Daily News