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Ordering a pot of tea in a Sydney cafe is a punish. Sydney cafes consistently say stuff you to tea drinkers. And they do it with the most passive aggressive of misdirects: an elaborate, unique-to-this-cafe-look-how-much-we-care tea service rig.

If you are naive enough to order tea in a cafe, it will be served to you as a kind of still life with tea pot scenario. The waitstaff will grandly set down in front of you a breadboard/tray arrangement holding atop it a cup (no saucer, so last year) a giant cast iron tea pot and milk in something funky, like a miniature milk bottle. If theyre really trying to create the illusion of care, theyll include a tea strainer. But for reasons that will soon become apparent, you wont be needing that tea strainer. Its another shiny, magicians misdirect.

The basics for a good cup of tea are simple: tea leaves, loose in a pot, boiled water. Why cant cafes get it right.Credit:Marina Oliphant

Now that youve received your tea rig (and its taken up the entire table so that nothing else fits) youre probably feeling optimistic. It seems like theyve really put a lot of thought into your tea and as such, it looks like today is going to be a good tea day. Then you pour it out and its just pale, watery liquid that makes you sad. You cant even add milk because the tea has got no tea-ness to speak of.

When you lift the lid of the pot to check whats going on, youll discover the first of two insults 1) a cut-price tea bag (one of those up yours tea wanker pillow-bags without a string or a tag) and 2) the tea pillow is imprisoned in the mesh sieve insert at the top of the teapot. The sieve insert thing that is meant for tea leaves! Is this some kind of joke?

You can free the bag from the sieve, you can stir it, you can twirl the pot this way and that but that tea is not getting any better, ever. Its just going to continue to ruin your morning. At this point, not even the teeny tiny milk bottle for a mouses tea party can cheer you up.

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Memo to Sydney cafes: tea isnt that hard. And it doesnt need to be served on a breadboard as a still life. The most basic requirement for a good cup of tea is simple: tea leaves, loose in a pot, just add boiled water (I dont even care what temperature the water boils at or how long its boiled, Im not fussy). The end. Thats it. Easy.

And milk on the side? First, can we just assume that is whats happening. Dont ask me if I want milk on the side, as though having milk with English Breakfast tea is some kind of Jack Nicholson in As Good As It Gets weirdo request. Lets all just assume that English Breakfast tea comes with milk on the side. Because it does. And the milk thing is pretty simple too, it doesnt need to be served in something fun like a test tube for guinea pigs or a beaker or an avant-garde orb with a teeny tiny spout. Just a small-ish jug will suffice.

Tea strainer is optional. Its optional. I mean, Im not a total tea wanker.

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Memo to Sydney cafes: tea isnt that hard. So why do you get it so wrong? - Sydney Morning Herald