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War Room

The White House

22 March 2012 0900 hours

Look Barry, the Republicans have been crawling all over Iowa. They are painting you as the worst underachiever since unsliced bread. You can't just sit there on TV doing NCAA brackets. You better go to Iowa and make some happy talk about an economic comeback pronto if you want to be re-elected.

"I've told you to call me Barack. If people wanted to vote for a Barry, Manilow would be sitting here now."

Okay Barry, whatever you say, but you still have to go to Iowa. We have to find you a county fair and one of those Main Street cafes that are also gas stations and funeral parlors. Some people in coveralls. Voters eat that stuff up.

"Come on guys. Have you been to Iowa in county fair season? Do you know how hard it is to get sweat out of mocha slacks? I'm from Hawaii, Indonesia, L.A., Chicago, New York and Washington D.C., man. I wouldn't know a heifer from a billy goat. Don't they have any Main Street cafes in Martha's Vinyard or Honolulu?"

Not really. Besides, Iowans are too polite to tell you what they really think of the job government is doing. We're counting on that. We also just blew $2.2 million in taxpayers' money for these customized tour buses that we bought off Bon Jovi. If we don't use them, it's going to be tough to convince people they need to pay us more taxes. Of course, we also have to convince them that we're not campaigning on this campaign tour, we're just 'listening.'"

"Fine. But if we're going to do this tour thing, we're going to need a new theme song. How about some Elvis? They love Elvis and Patsy Cline and all that stuff down in Iowa."

"Sorry, Barry, Michele Bachmann already tried The King. You'll have to think of something else."

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