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In high school, back in tiny Payette, Idaho, circa 1986, the c word was reserved for very harsh criticism. Cunt was a word of utter disdain reserved only for women, way worse than bitch, although both, when lobbed right, could really take another girl down. At my high school, these words were almost entirely used by other girls without real awareness of their weight or meaning.

Then in 1998, Inga Muscia wrote Cunt, and it changed my life; well, it changed my vocabulary and ignited my interest in the lexicology of forbidden words. Cunt: A Declaration of Independence (Seal Press) was a great feminist book about breaking down barriers between women, reclaiming and thus reversing the negative connotations of pejoratives reserved for women and girls, challenging rape culture, and bringing greater awareness of sexuality and sex-positivity. (Heres an example quote I love: What if one out of every three multinational corporation CEOs were raped every year? Dont you think that would raise a kind of ruckus?)

After reading it, a generation of women my age began using the word cunt to describe and define ourselves; we were the same women reading (or creating) Bitch magazine with a similar bent.

I bring this all up now, because the other day 17 years after I started proudly calling myself a cunt I got a letter from a disgruntled reader who was upset that I titled our fairly innocuous Valentines Day gift guide 10 Sexy, Unexpected, Totally Queer Valentine's Day Gifts.

He (and I know this reader is male because a fellow les-bi-an would have complained about my commercialization, my hyping a heterosexist institution, or my inability to include stuff for both femmes and butches, and not the use of the word queer) wrote, Queer ??? Really???? That is SO insulting !! Put that word away along with the N word. Get with the times lady. Would you like it if I used the C word???

Hmm. I had to ponder. Does the writer really think that the n word is equivalent to queer? Does the writer know that its actually rather misogynist to threaten me with the equivalent of What if I called you a cunt? And all that is implicit in that statement (meaning: He thinks Im a cunt and wants me to know it).

The thing is, I dont mind being called a cunt. I am. Im a bitch. Im powerful. Im threatening (not on the street there, Im a scared 10-year-old, but in the boardroom I think I can be aggressive). And Im queer.

In 2005, I talked to the late William Safire, the famed journalist and speech writer, about this exact thing for his long-running New York Times column about etymology. He dubbed that column Homolexicology and he implored me to explain why gay women preferred the words lesbian or queer to merely gay, and he explained to readers why homosexual was not a noun. It felt momentous, that this conservative libertarian got it, but now nearly a decade later, Im still regularly taking it on the chin for using the word queer, while Madonna essentially gets a pass for using the n word in reference to her white son on Instagram (as a show of support, she says).

There's no denying that words matter. I have been around and around with many LGBT leaders about why some words (including tranny) should not be used except within those communities. If you are black, if you are transgender, if you are Italian, then I wont argue with your right to use the n, t, or w word to describe yourself the same way I can use queer to describe myself and the way many (or most) of my gay male friends still use the word fag to describe themselves. In fact, until I moved from San Francisco to Los Angeles, I had no idea so many people were outlawing the use of the f word, even among themselves.

But in a community that still self-polices the use of words like fag or queer, why do cisgender LGB folks and their hetero counterparts find it so easy to keep using the word tranny without thought to how horrific it sounds to some transgender women and men? I have more than one trans friend who uses the word to describe themselves, but that doesnt mean nontrans people get to use it. Just like with the n word, that is not your option.

See the article here:
Op-ed: Go Ahead and Call Me What You Want